Whittling Away with Dick Brooks - Spam

I love spam, not the potted canned almost meat that goes so well with scrambled eggs, but the web equivalent of junk mail.  It comes and goes in waves.  Sometimes it’s online pharmacies that offer prescription drugs at low prices, often even without the prescription.  Frequently they’re concerned with my sexual prowess or the lack thereof.  Lately they are trying their best to make me a rich man with little or no work on my part.

In the last week, I’ve won the Irish Sweepstakes and for the life of me I can’t remember signing up or buying a ticket for the thing.  At least a dozen people have written me from Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso, Africa offering me great wealth.  I have no idea where or what that country may be.  It sounds like the horn on a Ford Model A I once owned.  The atlas on our bookshelf is no help since it was printed in 1947, long before a lot of countries got silly and started calling themselves by new and sometimes odd sounding new names.  I frequently thank my lucky stars that I learned my Geography while short names were in fashion.  I assume that Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso is a small country.  Imagine trying to fit that name into a map of Africa, I had a devil of a time with Rhode Island, I usually wrote it in the Atlantic Ocean and drew an arrow to that tiniest of our states.  I always thought Rhode Island should switch names with Utah, it would have made map work easier.

Most of my African correspondence is from bank officials and officers.  They all have very large sums of money lying around the bank with no one to claim them.  If I ever figure out where Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso is and if I decide to go there, I’m going to drive or walk since airplanes seem to be crashing everywhere, killing off fabulously rich folks with no relatives.  These bank officers and officials want me to claim to be the long lost relative of these unfortunate people who are falling from the sky all over Africa.  They will split the cash with me, they get the largest share (maybe they really are bank officials or officers) but they will still make it very worth my while.

I do feel special that out of all the people on the internet, they have chosen me to share with.  They say its all legal, simply a matter of bookkeeping, but I’m not supposed to tell anyone.  I am a little concerned about their grammar and sentence structure.  Their spelling leaves a lot to be desired too.  All they need from me is my Mother’s maiden name, my social security number, account numbers for any accounts I may have in local banks and the numbers off of any major credit card.  

It’s so nice of these important people to think of me that sometimes I answer their e-mails and tell little white lies to make them feel important too.  I thank them for their offer and tell them to forward more information to my office in Washington, The Office of Federal Fraud Investigation.  I haven’t gotten any replies yet.

Thought for the week—Some Favorite Oxymorons—assistant supervisor, new tradition, original copy, uninvited guest, highly depressed, live recording, authentic reproduction, partial cease-fire, limited lifetime guarantee, elevated subway, dry lake, true replica, forward lateral, standard options, mutual differences, nondairy creamer, open secret, resident alien, silent alarm, wireless cable, mercy killing, friendly fire, genuine veneer, death benefits, holy war.   –George Carlin from his book, “Brain Droppings”

Until next week, may you and yours be happy and well.

Whittle12124@yahoo.com